this place needs more Humour, FUNNY videos lets get to it

[daffyd]

Now y'all listen up, ah don't want you to get ahead of yourself when watching this here video. Don't go shootin' off down the wrong track. Y'all just listen to what the boys are tellin' y'all! It could be important!

http://www.davidburt.co.uk/documents/BigDeck.wmv

[daffyd]

Here my aim is to bring you tales of interest and humour, tales that you can regail your guests with, tales that you can share with your friends in the pub or at a barbecue in the garden. Yes some of them were told to me by Fred and Barney, like er... a rolling stone only does so, downhill! Wait...... there's more....... Are you having trouble getting your laughing gear into first? Well this will get you going...... switch on your sound.... click on here....

http://www.davidburt.co.uk/funstuff/doc ... re_000.wav

[daffyd]

Pirates Pearls


It is a good job that the practise of shooting the messenger has fallen into disuse............' the booty is only shin deep.'.............. indeed!

However as the A said to B "One swallow does not a dinner make." An old pirate friend of mine once warned me that, "Partnership is the most unstable ship you sail in." He was a wise old sage, I remember one time he said, " Cur " he always called me 'Cur' sort of a mark of recognition for my authority.... "Cur, life is like a mystery tour, except we all know the final destination." Another one of his 'pearls' was, "The idea is to die young........ as late as possible!" When I told him I was about to get married he said, "Cur, marriage is like a violin, when the beautiful music is over, that's when the strings become apparent."

Yes he was right, my wife said she married me because she wanted to live life in the fast lane, but as it turned out she married a speed bump.

Don't get me wrong my wife is one in a million, but where were the other 999,999 on the day I met her? One final piece of advice was given to me by my old shipmate and I'm not sure I've worked it out yet. It was, "Never argue with an idiot, they may be doing the same thing."

[daffyd]

Anyone for Bridge?

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

[elkouri]

haha daff.
im going to do this one,
the one you introduced us too.
thanks for all the humour
keep them coming
love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1go72c ... re=related

[elkouri]

alriight , here goes.
but ill warn ya

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned".

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son"?

"I lusted", the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it", the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long red hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in".

"And, what did you do, my son" asked the priest?

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted", replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven", replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son".

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be" the fellow asked?

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, jackass".

[elkouri]

She married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children. At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”

In his eulogy, the preacher said, “Lord, they’re finally together.” Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, “Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?” The neighbor replied, “I think he’s referring to her legs.”

Listen yall, i didnt write these.

[elkouri]

[elkouri]

[elkouri]

[elkouri]

[elkouri]

[Ernie]

What a waste of perfectly good plywood. Haha!

Motivational Speaker

[daffyd]

Y'all muppets at heart so you can empathise with this poor drummer boy

http://www.davidburt.co.uk/documents/Mu ... Animal.wmv

[elkouri]

[elkouri]

oh for garden seeds.
ive seen it all now.

[daffyd]

Pappy's Words O' Wisdom

Ah found mah Pappy sittin on the porch chewing baccy, spittin occasionally and cleaning his ole hunting rifle. Ah wuz carefull not tuh sneak up on him in case he had one in the chamber....sooo from afar ah "Hallloo-ed" him. He looked up and smiled (well it were more gums than teeth, but it uncreased his has somewhat.) "Come on over son, and sit a spell"

Well that were a first, ah never knowed him tuh be so genial afore the sun reached Noon time. Ah nodded t'ward the rifle and ah aksed mah Pappy, "What do you feel when you shoot a deer?"



In a nano second mah Pappy responded, "Recoil!"



Well that put an end tuh that opening gambit so ah tried again, "Pappy ah think ah.d like tuh study abroad."



Pappy looked interested at mah interest..."Fine son, now did y'all have any particular broad in mind?"

"Naw Pappy" ah sed "Ah mean business studies!"



"Oh, ah see son" he sed cottoning on tuh mah drift "Ah mind ole Septimus, he started his own business, it were manufacturing land mines that looked like prayer mats. Ah heerd tell it is going well, PROPHETS are going through the roof!"



Well he hee-hawed and hee-hawed until ah wuz almost out of earshot. Danged if ah knowed what got into him today

[Canadian]

[elkouri]

bear with me yalllllllll

Got a funny one, and will post it , when I find it

[elkouri]

http://www.funnyyoutubevideo.com/clip3.html

[Gen]

Swearing Parrot
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ef8d30 ... ing-parrot

[osscan]

Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness..
Your underwear is $9.50 for a six-pack.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[elkouri]

the only thing you left out Osscan is

with out us girls. you guys would nevah be happy.

[elkouri]

thanks for all the funnnnnn stuff in here everyone


yessssss, i'm listening!

[elkouri]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxOalIK6 ... re=related